Parenting

If you’re a parent, an educator, or simply a caring adult, you’ve likely encountered the delicate challenge of helping a child navigate anxiety. So often we hear the well-meaning advice of “just take a deep breath,” but what if this common refrain isn’t the balm we hope it to be? Let’s explore this together in a way that’s empathetic, knowledgeable, and, hopefully, a little enlightening.

The Limits of “Just Breathe”

It’s a scene played out in countless homes and classrooms: a child’s anxiety begins to bubble up, and the immediate response is a chorus of “calm down” and “take a deep breath.” But for many children, this advice falls flat. The act of breathing deeply, while beneficial for some, is not a one-size-fits-all solution. The frustration was palpable in the voice of a child I once saw in my office, tired of being told to breathe as a panacea for their anxiety. This child’s experience is far from unique, and it highlights a critical point: the more tense we get, the less helpful it can be to be told to calm down and breathe.

Shaking It Out: A Natural Response to Anxiety

When we consider how our bodies naturally react to fear, we notice something interesting: we shiver. This involuntary response can also be harnessed in a more deliberate way to help children manage anxiety. By encouraging them to ‘shake it out’—whether that means literally shaking their limbs, jumping up and down, or engaging in another form of movement—we can help them work through the physical tension that anxiety brings. This approach is rooted in the understanding that our bodies and minds are deeply interconnected, and sometimes physical action can pave the way to emotional relief.

Movement as Medicine: Trying a Different Approach

So, what can we do the next time we see a child overwhelmed with anxiety? Instead of the default directive to breathe, we might suggest shaking it out. This simple, yet potentially powerful technique offers an alternative path to calmness by channeling the body’s natural instincts. It’s an opportunity to validate a child’s feelings and give them a tool that might be more in tune with their needs at that moment. I encourage you to try this with your child or a child in your care. Observe how it works for them. Does it help to dissipate the anxiety? Does it seem to move the tension through and out of their body?

Every child’s experience with anxiety is unique, and there are no universal solutions. However, by offering a range of techniques and being open to what resonates with each individual child, we can provide a more supportive and understanding environment. If you’ve tried this approach, or if you have other strategies that have worked, I’d love to hear from you. Sharing insights and experiences can be incredibly beneficial to our community of caregivers seeking to nurture and empower anxious children.

Thank you for joining me in this exploration of childhood anxiety management. Remember, our role is not to fix everything for the children in our lives, but to support them in finding the tools that help them manage their own challenges. Let’s continue to learn and grow together for their sake.

Welcome to an insightful discussion about parenting, growth, and the timeless debate on the nature of children’s development. In today’s post, we’re going to delve deep into the heart of a concept that has been circling around the realm of child psychology and modern parenting philosophies—the myth of the perfect child and the impact of parental influence. Join me as we unpack this complex subject with empathy and authority, aiming to educate and support parents in their journey.

The Fallacy of the Blank Slate

The blank slate theory, a notion as old as time, suggests that children are born as empty vessels, waiting to be filled with the knowledge, values, and behaviors imparted by their parents. It’s a concept that has been thoroughly discredited, yet its echoes can still be heard in some parenting circles. This outdated idea fails to recognize that children are born full of potential, as complete individuals in their infancy, who will naturally evolve into adulthood.

The growth and development of a child are more pronounced during their early years, as their brains are still forming. However, it’s a lifelong process that does not cease with age. We must acknowledge that each child comes into the world with their unique personality and inherent traits. They are not blank slates for us to inscribe upon but are individuals who will grow and adapt in their own right.

The Myth of Perfection and Parent-Child Dynamics

Another pervasive myth is the belief that children are born perfect, only to be marred by life’s experiences and the influence of their parents. This narrative is not only unhelpful but also detrimental to the understanding of the complex dynamic that exists between a parent and a child. Both are part of a system, a unit that interacts and influences one another in profound ways.

It is indisputable that parents have a significant impact on their children’s development. Yet, it is essential to recognize that the influence is bidirectional—children also shape their parents’ lives and approaches. Struggling with your child does not make you a bad parent; it presents an opportunity for mutual growth and change that should be embraced, not feared.

Navigating the Parent-Child Relationship with Compassion and Flexibility

It is often the case that the most gentle, respectful, and conscientious parents are the ones who are the hardest on themselves. Driven by a deep desire to ‘do things right,’ they may inadvertently hold back from asking their children to rise to challenges, fearing that they might impose too much on their young minds. However, it is crucial for parents to understand that it is not only okay but necessary to ask their children to adapt and grow alongside them.

We are all in a constant state of flux, both as individuals and as parts of a larger system. By allowing ourselves and our children the space to flex and change, we foster an environment in which everyone can grow. This does not mean that parenting will always be straightforward. When you find yourself at a loss, especially when dealing with an anxious child, remember that seeking help is a sign of strength. There are resources and support systems in place for this very reason—to provide guidance and an objective perspective on your parent-child relationship.

In conclusion, let us reject the myths of the blank slate and the perfect child. Let us instead embrace the complexity and reality of parenting, acknowledging that it is a dance of mutual growth and adaptation. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Whether you’re seeking advice, reassurance, or simply a listening ear, the community is here to support you and your child as you navigate the ever-changing landscape of life together.

Hey everyone! I’ve been thinking a lot about how family dynamics play a role in the anxiety our children and teens may experience. It turns out there are three categories of family patterns or responses that keep families trapped in the parenting pitfalls of child anxiety. I’m eager to share these insights because recognizing them is the first step towards change.

So, let’s dive in! First up is avoidance. It’s when your child shies away from the things that make them nervous. This could be anything from ordering in a restaurant to avoiding going outside if the weather looks iffy. If we, as parents, facilitate this avoidance, we’re actually reinforcing their anxiety. It’s like we’re saying, “It’s okay, you don’t have to face your fears,” which prevents them from learning how to cope.

Next, we have safety-seeking behaviors. These are the moments when our kids look to us as their personal shield against the world. They might say things like, “I’ll only go upstairs if you come with me, Mom,” or “Please don’t leave the house at night, I don’t feel safe.” While it’s natural to want to protect our children, constantly being their safety net can prevent them from developing their own resilience.

Last but not least are rituals. Does your child insist on having things done ‘just so’? Whether it’s drinking from a cup of a specific color or demanding routines be followed to a T, these rituals can be a way for them to manage their anxiety. But, when we cater to these demands, it can reinforce the idea that the world is a scary place that needs to be controlled meticulously.

These patterns—avoidance, safety-seeking, and rituals—can keep our little ones stuck in their anxiety loops. It’s important for us to recognize these behaviors and learn how to gently disrupt them. This way, we can empower our children to face their fears and grow out of these patterns, ultimately freeing both them and ourselves from the cycle of anxiety.

What do you think? Have you noticed any of these patterns in your family? Let’s chat about it in the comments below! Your experiences could help another family out there.

In my experience as a child therapist, I’ve often observed that children who struggle with anxiety can exhibit more irritability and negativity. It’s crucial for us, as caregivers and educators, to support these children in fostering a more balanced and positive self-identity. Today, I want to delve into how we can utilize feelings literacy to achieve this transformative journey.

The Power of Feelings Literacy

Many parents excel at feelings literacy, adeptly helping their children to identify and articulate their emotions. When a child feels downcast or exhibits anger, it’s common to hear affirmations such as, “I can see you’re sad about that,” or, “I know that you’re afraid.” This practice is extremely beneficial, as acknowledging and validating a child’s emotions can often be the first step in regulating those difficult feelings. Such validation facilitates a calming effect, enabling children to recover and continue with their activities.

For instance, when a child lashes out physically, a parent might respond, “I know you are angry, but hands are not for hitting. Please use your words.” This approach is commendable because it doesn’t just reprimand but also acknowledges the child’s emotional state, guiding them toward better ways of expressing it.

Stretching Beyond the Negative

Children who experience heightened levels of anxiety are frequently caught in a web of negative emotions. Consequently, we may find ourselves reinforcing this negativity by using language that focuses on anger, sadness, or fear. It is essential that we assist these children in stretching their self-perception to include more positive or at least neutral aspects of their identity. This doesn’t mean discounting their negative emotions—something that would fall into the realm of toxic positivity—but rather, recognizing and naming the moments when they are experiencing positive or neutral emotions.

Take, for example, a child who is quietly engaged in building with Legos. You might comment, “You really seem content when you’re playing with your Legos.” This not only introduces them to a new emotional descriptor—content—but also helps the child view themselves as capable of experiencing such a state. Anxious children can often feel guilty, believing they make life more challenging for those they love. Highlighting their moments of contentment allows them to see themselves in a different, more positive light.

Connecting to Calm and Happiness

It’s not enough to simply redirect children away from their negative emotions; we need to help them connect with feelings of joy, calm, and focus. For instance, when you notice your child completely absorbed and happy while scootering, you could say, “You’re really in your flow. You seem so happy when you’re scootering up and down the driveway.” Or, when they hum to themselves as they color, you might observe, “You have a lot of calm as you are coloring.”

By doing this, we are helping children recognize that they are not solely defined by their anxiety or anger. Instead, they are multifaceted individuals capable of experiencing a wide range of emotions. More importantly, we’re helping them to identify activities and states that evoke positive feelings, broadening their ability to find peace and happiness in their day-to-day lives. This is critical because telling a child to “calm down” is ineffectual if they haven’t learned to recognize what calm feels like. Hence, it’s our role to guide them in discovering these positive states within themselves.

Let’s ensure that we celebrate the full spectrum of our children’s emotions, not just the negative ones. By doing so, we empower them to build a more positive self-identity and better cope with the complexities of their inner world.