{"id":4418,"date":"2023-05-03T07:32:00","date_gmt":"2023-05-03T07:32:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/?p=4418"},"modified":"2023-07-19T13:26:38","modified_gmt":"2023-07-19T13:26:38","slug":"does-my-child-have-social-anxiety-or-are-they-just-shy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/does-my-child-have-social-anxiety-or-are-they-just-shy\/","title":{"rendered":"Does my child have social anxiety or are they just shy?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"4418\" class=\"elementor elementor-4418\" data-elementor-post-type=\"post\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<section data-exad-particle-enable=\"false\" class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-30114b85 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default exad-parallax-effect-no exad-background-color-change-no exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"30114b85\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-358be57a exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"358be57a\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-3d2adfb4 exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no exad-glass-effect-no elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"3d2adfb4\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p><!-- wp:html --><br>\n<iframe title=\"Embed Player\" data-src=\"https:\/\/play.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/26723703\/height\/192\/theme\/modern\/size\/large\/thumbnail\/yes\/custom-color\/495867\/time-start\/00:00:00\/playlist-height\/200\/direction\/backward\" height=\"192\" width=\"100%\" scrolling=\"no\" allowfullscreen=\"\" webkitallowfullscreen=\"true\" mozallowfullscreen=\"true\" oallowfullscreen=\"true\" msallowfullscreen=\"true\" style=\"border: medium;\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAAAAACH5BAEKAAEALAAAAAABAAEAAAICTAEAOw==\" class=\"lazyload\" data-load-mode=\"1\"><\/iframe><br>\n<!-- \/wp:html --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>I really like this question because I think it can be confusing. If you listened to the previous episode e about why <a href=\"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/why-doesnt-encouragement-help-my-anxious-child\/\" target=\"_blank\" aria-label=\"encouragement doesn\u2019t always work for anxious kids (opens in a new tab)\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" class=\"ek-link\" data-wpel-link=\"internal\">encouragement doesn\u2019t always work for anxious kids<\/a> (that was episode # 48), we talked a lot about temperament, particularly about the slow to warm temperament. And temperament is what we\u2019re also talking about here.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Some kids are more shy than others, meaning that they take more time to warm up in social situations. Some kids are more introverted, too, which means that they don\u2019t need as much social stimulation as other kids. They may find social situations more of a drag on their energy and so these children and teens may have fewer friends.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>And that\u2019s fine.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s fine to like being alone, it\u2019s fine to hang back in social situations until we are comfortable, and it\u2019s fine to enjoy one or two close friends rather than to want to hang out with a crowd.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s all fine.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Shy children, introverted children are living out a preference. They prefer smaller situations. They prefer to come to things on their own time.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>They may like a big party but want to hang at the edges. Or they may have no interest in a big party but would prefer a celebration with just one good friend.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Now socially anxious kids are NOT living out a preference. They want to be social \u2014 or at least more social than they are being \u2014 and are unable to because of their anxiety.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Socially anxious children and teens may also be shy or may also be introverted and this can make it more difficult to tease things out.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s compare the two:<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>A shy child will eventually warm up in social situations. A socially anxious child will continue to feel distressed and in fact their distress might increase.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>A shy child may prefer one or two close friends over a crowd. A socially anxious child may struggle with friendships, worrying that the friends they have like them or worrying that their friends are secretly upset with them even when they\u2019re not.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>A shy child may be reluctant to attend a large social gathering but they won\u2019t necessarily be avoidant. They may roll their eyes or grouch, but they\u2019ll still be willing to go to the birthday party. The socially anxious child may panic and refuse to go or struggle to sleep the night before or repeatedly ask you if they can stay home.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>A shy child\u2019s functioning is fairly consistent \u2014 you know which situations they prefer and which they don\u2019t. A socially anxious child\u2019s functioning likely gets worse over time if there is no intervention. They may be unpredictable, willing to attend a social event one day and then the next bottoming out and unable to get out of the car and head in to the party.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>The shy child would prefer to stay home. The socially anxious child struggles to leave the house. So there\u2019s preference and then there\u2019s ability.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>The shy child can push past their limits when motivated. The <a href=\"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/does-social-media-cause-teen-anxiety\/\" target=\"_blank\" aria-label=\"socially anxious child (opens in a new tab)\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" class=\"ek-link\" data-wpel-link=\"internal\">socially anxious child<\/a> is trapped by their limits. It\u2019s the difference between someone saying, \u201cOk, fine, I\u2019ll do it\u201d and someone melting down or beating themselves up because they can\u2019t do it.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Shy child don\u2019t have the performance worries of the socially anxious.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s look at some examples and hopefully you\u2019ll be able to recognize your child in one of these if you are wondering about their functioning.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>The first child is socially anxious and outgoing. They want to be part of the crowd. They are sorry to miss out on the school dance or soccer team try outs. They are unhappy not being a part of things but they are excessively worried about failing or about being made fun of or of not getting things right.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>The second child is socially anxious and more introverted. They may express that they are lonely. They may say that they worry that something is quote \u201cwrong with me\u201d end quote because they don\u2019t know how to fit in. You may look back and see that they tended to smaller groups or just one friend at a time but now you are seeing them become more isolated.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Now the child who is introverted but does not have social anxiety does not express unhappiness with their social life. I mean, they might complain now and then \u2014 we all sometimes feel left out \u2014 but generally speaking they have a solid friend or two, they are able to participate in things, they may not be joiners but if they want to do a thing with someone like go to the movies or have someone over \u2014 they\u2019re able to do this.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re not sure, just think about how your child communicates about social events. Are they like, \u201cugh, fine, I\u2019ll go but I won\u2019t like it\u201d or are they excessively worried, asking for reassurance, telling you how everyone is dumb or mean or will judge them. Is there an emotional component that you\u2019re seeing, a digging in of their heels. Are things getting worse, is their social life getting smaller. Are they fretting about friend drama to the point that the drama is bigger than their friendships.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>You can also look at their functioning across their lifetime. Introverted babies may make less eye contact or be less interested in engaging with strangers. You know how babies often go through a period of flirting and being adorable with cashiers, shy babies aren\u2019t interested in this. One of my children was shy but not socially anxious and as a preschooler when people would try to engage with him he would just point at me. He didn\u2019t have trouble doing this \u2014 he didn\u2019t cry or hide his face \u2014 he\u2019d just point at me to answer. My other child was extremely outgoing but struggled with some social anxiety and this appeared later in life. The fact that it was different than her functioning at other ages pointed to it being an anxiety issue and not a preference.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>We see <a href=\"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/is-social-anxiety-disorder-caused-by-traumas-and-bullying\/\" target=\"_blank\" aria-label=\"social anxiety (opens in a new tab)\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" class=\"ek-link\" data-wpel-link=\"internal\">social anxiety<\/a> crop up in kids when social demands increase. I see it around 8 or 9 especially for girls and I see it a whole lot in middle school. No wonder, right, because these are socially anxious times. Just because it\u2019s developmentally typical doesn\u2019t mean we should ignore it or assume they\u2019ll outgrow it. Untreated anxiety tends to get worse and Kids who are prone to anxiety in one area are more likely to have anxiety in other areas, too. There are no downsides to learning anxiety coping tools.<\/p><p><br><\/p><p><br><\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It can be difficult to understand the differences between a shy child, an introverted child, and a socially anxious child especially when those things overlap. In this week&#8217;s episode we look at ways to determine whether a child&#8217;s reluctance to be social is their natural way of functioning or if it might be cause for concern. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4421,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/episode-58.png","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pdNXfO-19g","publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2024-05-08 11:49:24","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4418"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4418"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4418\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4421"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4418"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4418"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4418"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}