{"id":4097,"date":"2023-03-08T06:47:00","date_gmt":"2023-03-08T06:47:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/?p=4097"},"modified":"2023-07-19T13:26:58","modified_gmt":"2023-07-19T13:26:58","slug":"how-do-i-explain-to-my-anxious-child-that-they-dont-need-to-be-scared","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/how-do-i-explain-to-my-anxious-child-that-they-dont-need-to-be-scared\/","title":{"rendered":"How do I explain to my anxious child that they don&#8217;t need to be scared?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"4097\" class=\"elementor elementor-4097\" data-elementor-post-type=\"post\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<section data-exad-particle-enable=\"false\" class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-7eaa19f elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default exad-parallax-effect-no exad-background-color-change-no exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"7eaa19f\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-e716ca8 exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"e716ca8\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-096b617 exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no exad-glass-effect-no elementor-widget elementor-widget-html\" data-id=\"096b617\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"html.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<iframe title=\"Embed Player\" style=\"border: none;\" data-src=\"https:\/\/play.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/26142573\/height\/192\/theme\/modern\/size\/large\/thumbnail\/yes\/custom-color\/495867\/time-start\/00:00:00\/playlist-height\/200\/direction\/backward\" height=\"192\" width=\"100%\" scrolling=\"no\" allowfullscreen=\"\" webkitallowfullscreen=\"true\" mozallowfullscreen=\"true\" oallowfullscreen=\"true\" msallowfullscreen=\"true\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAAAAACH5BAEKAAEALAAAAAABAAEAAAICTAEAOw==\" class=\"lazyload\" data-load-mode=\"1\"><\/iframe>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<section data-exad-particle-enable=\"false\" class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-4a81701d elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default exad-parallax-effect-no exad-background-color-change-no exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"4a81701d\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-47d7e868 exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"47d7e868\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-45e206fd exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no exad-glass-effect-no elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"45e206fd\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>This is such an interesting question because it assumes that this is one of our jobs as a parent. That we are supposed to tell kids not to be scared and sometimes that\u2019s true. Sometimes our job is to be reassuring. Like when a child is afraid of going to the doctors, and we sit down and explain what\u2019s going to happen and maybe buy them a toy doctor\u2019s kit so they can process their emotions through play. But does that mean that if they\u2019re still scared that we\u2019ve somehow failed them? Or that they\u2019ve failed to process their experience correctly?<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>I mean this question really gets at the nature of fear and how we feel about fear and how we feel about our kids feeling fear.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Ok, let\u2019s back up.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>First, fear is not a bad emotion to have. Fear is supposed to keep us safe. Fear is a warning signal to be careful, to keep your eyes open. Fear is ok. It\u2019s not comfortable but it serves a purpose.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>We are going to be afraid sometimes. We are going to be afraid of new experiences sometimes just because they\u2019re new. We\u2019re going to be afraid of situations like going to the doctor\u2019s if last time we got a shot. It makes sense that we would be nervous about going again even if we\u2019re not going to get a shot this time.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>What I\u2019m getting at is that the issue isn\u2019t fear really. The issue is letting fear get the best of us. Fear is a tool and we need that tool but we need to be discerning about using it.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Being afraid is ok. Sometimes it\u2019s even more than ok, it\u2019s super smart. We need to learn when our fear is helpful \u2014 like when it\u2019s telling us to back away from the cliff or not go into that dark attic in the haunted house or study for the test in order to get a good grade.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>And we also need to learn when it is NOT helpful like when it\u2019s telling us not to ever go on the hike or that every house is haunted or that we shouldn\u2019t even bother to take the class because it will be too hard.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>We need to learn when our fear is protective and when it is avoidant. Or more to the point, we need our children to learn when fear is protective and when it is avoidant.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>The question, \u201cHow do I explain to my anxious child that they don&#8217;t need to be scared?\u201d Might be better asked this way, \u201cHow do I support my anxious child when they are scared.\u201d And you\u2019ll see we\u2019ve shifted from trying to FIX what\u2019s happening or our child and moved to helping them learn the skills to manage the experience themselves.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>When our children are afraid, we can validate the feeling without validating the fearful thing or event itself. By this I mean, we can say, \u201cI know you feel scared,\u201d which is validating without rushing to reassurance or to avoidance. So we don\u2019t have to say, \u201cI know you feel scared but there are no monsters under the bed\u201d or \u201cI know you feel scared so why don\u2019t I sleep in here with you.\u201d What we could say is something like, \u201cI know you feel scared, what do you think would help you know that you are safe.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>It doesn\u2019t have to be these exact words and it doesn\u2019t have to be handled this way every time, I\u2019m just using this as an example to start shifting the conversation and shift to honoring and supporting your child\u2019s agency.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Anxiety offers an invitation to be curious. What might happen? What could we do to explore that? We could invite our child to look under the bed with us. We could give our child a flashlight and invite them to look for monsters. I\u2019ve had lots of kids who have found it helpful to create a sign for their bedroom doors that says, \u201cNo monsters allowed.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>When we do the reassuring, we create a dependency on being the source of reassurance. When we give them the means to explore and confront and cope with their fears, we are giving them opportunity to be brave.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s try another scenario.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s say an older child is anxious about a big paper that\u2019s due and they are coming to us for reassurance that it\u2019s good, that they\u2019ve written a great paper. Now there\u2019s nothing wrong with telling them, \u201cYou\u2019ve done an excellent job on this paper\u201d or \u201cYou can really see your hard work in this paper.\u201d But when they start saying, \u201cBut will my teacher like it?\u201d No amount of our reassuring them is going to be enough. So instead we can say, \u201cYou worked really hard on this; no wonder you\u2019re anxious to know what your teacher will think of it.\u201d And then we can invite curiosity. \u201cWhat would happen if your teacher didn\u2019t like it? What would you do? Would that change the way you felt about it?\u201d There\u2019s no right answer there, it\u2019s just a chance to be curious. It\u2019s just the chance to be curious about problem solving, like would you ask for extra credit work? Would you ask for a meeting to argue for a better grade? Or it might be an opportunity to talk about evaluation and what it means to be evaluated and explore our philosophies. Like does someone else\u2019s judgment negate our own? Like can we separate our pride in our work from grades, which can sometimes be so subjective? Again, no right answer. But we\u2019re building up critical thinking, the ability to problem solve, and reiterating our family values around work and judgment and the ways we interact with the great big wide world.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>I think this question helps us, too, to see that parenting an anxious child is not just about parenting an anxious child. It\u2019s about parenting, period. It\u2019s about learning and growing and coping with who we are and what we want from the world and how to operate even when things are uncertain or unpredictable or outright scary.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>If you are thinking of joining <a href=\"http:\/\/ChildAnxietySupport.com\" target=\"_blank\" aria-label=\"Child Anxiety Support (opens in a new tab)\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener nofollow external\" class=\"ek-link\" data-wpel-link=\"external\">Child Anxiety Support<\/a> for more specific concrete answers \u2014 ones that apply to your unique family and go beyond what we can do in these short podcasts, please know that starting in April we will be going through the 6-week Strong Kids, Strong Families program together. My membership is always open, which means you can join at any time and take the course at your leisure. But if you join by April 3, 2023, then we will all be doing the lessons at the same time. Each of our weekly live events will be focused on that week\u2019s lesson so that we can dive in deep. I am always available to give you personalized support, so that together we design a concrete, step-by-step plan to address your child\u2019s particular anxiety. Whether that\u2019s sleep or behavior or separation or school, this evidence-based program will give you the information and tools you need to address your child\u2019s anxiety across a lifetime.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Just head to childanxietysupport.com and remember that you get the first 14 days free. Have questions? Reach out to me at <a href=\"mailto:dawn@childanxietysupport.com\" class=\"ek-link\">dawn@childanxietysupport.com<\/a> or through instagram where I\u2019m at <a href=\"http:\/\/instagram.com\/dawnfriedmanmsed\" class=\"ek-link\" data-wpel-link=\"external\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow external noopener noreferrer\">dawnfriedmanmsed<\/a>. I look forward to hearing from you.<\/p><p><br><\/p><p><br><\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This is such an interesting question because it assumes that this is one of our jobs as a parent. That we are supposed to tell kids not to be scared and sometimes that\u2019s true. Sometimes our job is to be reassuring. Like when a child is afraid of going to the doctors, and we sit [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4098,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[22,59,21,20,17,26],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/How-do-I-explain-to-my-anxious-child-that-they-dont-need-to-be-scared.jpg","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pdNXfO-145","publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2024-05-08 11:47:19","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4097"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4097"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4097\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4098"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4097"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4097"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4097"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}