{"id":3846,"date":"2023-02-15T01:00:00","date_gmt":"2023-02-15T01:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/?p=3846"},"modified":"2023-07-19T13:27:05","modified_gmt":"2023-07-19T13:27:05","slug":"how-do-i-motivate-my-anxious-child-to-deal-with-their-anxiety","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/how-do-i-motivate-my-anxious-child-to-deal-with-their-anxiety\/","title":{"rendered":"How do I motivate my anxious child to deal with their anxiety?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"3846\" class=\"elementor elementor-3846\" data-elementor-post-type=\"post\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<section data-exad-particle-enable=\"false\" class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-cb9f1cc elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default exad-parallax-effect-no exad-background-color-change-no exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"cb9f1cc\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-e2ad8e4 exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"e2ad8e4\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-75deb05 exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no exad-glass-effect-no elementor-widget elementor-widget-html\" data-id=\"75deb05\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"html.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<iframe title=\"Embed Player\" style=\"border:none\" data-src=\"https:\/\/play.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/25799265\/height\/192\/theme\/modern\/size\/large\/thumbnail\/yes\/custom-color\/495867\/time-start\/00:00:00\/playlist-height\/200\/direction\/backward\" height=\"192\" width=\"100%\" scrolling=\"no\" allowfullscreen=\"\" webkitallowfullscreen=\"true\" mozallowfullscreen=\"true\" oallowfullscreen=\"true\" msallowfullscreen=\"true\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAAAAACH5BAEKAAEALAAAAAABAAEAAAICTAEAOw==\" class=\"lazyload\" data-load-mode=\"1\"><\/iframe>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<section data-exad-particle-enable=\"false\" class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-281b1c80 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default exad-parallax-effect-no exad-background-color-change-no exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"281b1c80\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-2f0e1aa exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"2f0e1aa\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-7ddf84ee exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no exad-glass-effect-no elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"7ddf84ee\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-style: inherit; color: var( --e-global-color-text ); font-family: var( --e-global-typography-text-font-family ), Sans-serif;\">The question, &#8220;How do I motivate my anxious child?&#8221; is more complicated than it first seems because it\u2019s showing that we may still need to make that paradigm shift where we need to put the focus on our own behavior first and on our child\u2019s behavior second. If we are waiting for our child to be motivated before we start work on their anxiety then most of us are going to be waiting a very long time.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>A lot of our anxious kids \u2014 and even anxious adults \u2014 aren\u2019t yet in the place where they understand that their anxiety is the issue. A child who is afraid of dogs likely thinks dogs are the issue. A child who feels safest when their mom is around, likely thinks that the problem is that mom isn\u2019t always able or willing to be around.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>I think about my own fears as a child around thunder storms. I was terrified of them. And the problem, to my mind, was that thunderstorms existed. The solution my family used was to put me in the living room with headphones on listening to The Wizard of Oz on an 8-track tape. That way I couldn\u2019t really hear the thunder and then I was no longer afraid. That worked just fine until one storm night the electricity went out and I was alone in a pitch dark room. As you can imagine, this did nothing to help me deal with my thunderstorm anxiety.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>And this is because my family and I assumed thunderstorms were the problem and so we should avoid thunderstorms when really the problem was my anxiety.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>I was not interested in dealing with my anxiety because that was yucky and painful and again, I didn\u2019t think it was a problem in the first place. No the problem seemed to be that the world was scary and I wanted it to be safe.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s why we parents need to focus on our motivation and through that make good decisions for helping our children learn to cope with the reality that the world is often scary and not always safe. As our children get better at coping with that reality, we might see more motivation from them. Or if they\u2019re focused on getting access to the things that they\u2019re avoiding, we might see some motivation there, too. That might be a child who really wants to go to a slumber party but is afraid to sleep away from home.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>But it\u2019s ok to start before we\u2019ve got their buy in. It\u2019s ok to start with figuring out our own motivation.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s talk about that a little bit.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>The best way to understand how to motivate ourselves is to understand why we aren\u2019t motivated. What is stopping us from climbing out of the <a href=\"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/parenting-pitfalls\/\" data-type=\"page\" data-id=\"2962\" data-wpel-link=\"internal\">parenting pitfalls<\/a> we find ourselves in when parenting our anxious kids. For those of you who are unaware, parenting pitfalls are the things we do that keep us and our kids stuck in patterns of anxiety. An example would be my parents using that 8-track tape. It seems like a solution but it can be a trap especially if they started staying home on days when storms were predicted to stick close to the stereo. Or if \u2014 and this did happen \u2014 I started clamoring for the headphones at the first sign of wind and rain. If you aren\u2019t sure about parenting pitfalls, you can take my quiz, which you can find at child anxiety support DOT com forward slash quiz and see if and how your family might be stuck.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Anyway, common reasons we aren\u2019t motivated are:<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:list --><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"list-style-type: none;\">\n<ul><!-- wp:list-item --><\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"list-style-type: none;\">\n<ul>\n<li>lack of time<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><!-- \/wp:list-item --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:list-item --><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"list-style-type: none;\">\n<ul>\n<li>lack of bandwidth<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><!-- \/wp:list-item --><\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:list --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>And I\u2019ll say that both of those things are predictably made worse by the anxiety itself. Because parenting an anxious child is exhausting and time consuming, right? So the traps seem like a way to deal with the anxiety less even though they tend to eat up our functioning.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Another common reason we might not be motivated, is we might have real concerns that our child isn\u2019t capable of handling the demands of facing their fears.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>I want to stop and talk about this one for awhile because it mirrors the reason kids stay stuck, too. They also don\u2019t believe they\u2019re capable of handling those demands.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s take two kids who are learning to roller skate. One child isn\u2019t anxious and they know they might fall but they figure they can handle that. The other child is anxious and they also know they might fall but they don\u2019t feel capable of handling it. It\u2019s not necessarily that one is predicting worse outcomes. Both children may have a friend who broke their wrist roller skating. So both might know that is indeed a real risk. But the non-anxious child may not just feel more confident in their abilities, they also may feel more confident in handling a wrist fracture. An anxious child is less optimistic overall. Their self concept \u2014 their sense of who they are \u2014 may be more negative.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>These are the kids who say, \u201cI know I\u2019m going to fall. I can\u2019t do it. It\u2019s too hard.\u201d And we go to reassure them, \u201cYou\u2019re going to do great. You\u2019ll be fine. Look, your little sister is doing it so I know you can, too.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Remember, reassurance is the most common pitfall. And it doesn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>That doesn\u2019t motivate the child because we\u2019re making the mistake that the roller skating is the issue instead of the anxiety. The truth is, they might fall. Anyone on roller skates might fall. But then again, they might not. And if they do, it might not be so bad. And if they break their wrist, well, that\u2019s super lousy but they will survive it.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Even as I say these things, I know that as a parent it can feel somehow irresponsible. Like we\u2019re saying that a broken wrist is no big deal. That they should just blow off their fears. Let me be clear, that\u2019s not what I\u2019m saying. I\u2019m saying that the big picture work of anti-anxiety learning is to figure out how to exist in a reality that is unpredictable and sometimes scary and occasionally even dangerous.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Such big work, I know.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Thunderstorms are usually fine but sometimes people do get hit by lightening, sometimes homes do get destroyed in tornadoes. Sometimes even our wonderful all powerful parents can\u2019t keep us safe.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>A hard reality for us as well as for our kids.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>So where\u2019s the motivation? It\u2019s in believing that our children can indeed handle it \u2014 all of the uncertainty \u2014 and can have good lives in spite of the world being scary. We have to hold that belief first so that we can offer it to them.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>You know how we talk about co-regulation a lot on social media, in parenting books and classes? This idea that we can bring our own calm to our children? This self concept piece is like that. We believe in them even when they don\u2019t. We believe in their strength even when they feel weak. And this isn\u2019t a suck it up buttercup, stiff upper lip kind of belief. It\u2019s more, I believe you have the ability to grow through this. To learn about your inner strength. To learn that bravery means being afraid but doing it anyway.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>We can motivate ourselves and our kids but taking things small. What began my ability to deal with thunderstorms, and this is a memory my dad brings up to me a lot so I know it was meaningful to him as well, was sitting on his lap on our front porch watching the storms roll in. I borrowed his bravery. He showed me how to find the delight in the big noise and uncertainty but it took practice and it took his help. Because he traveled, he couldn\u2019t do that for me every time and my mom, with three kids five and under didn\u2019t have time either. But that\u2019s ok, because I got enough confidence to begin a fairly long journey of dealing with my fear of thunderstorms.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>One thing that I think can be helpful is to celebrate your child\u2019s wins big or small. You can announce this beforehand like, \u201cNext time we walk by that barking dog, I will hold your hand but I won\u2019t carry you and after we will celebrate with a sticker or an ice cream cone or big hugs.\u201d Or you can just notice the next time your child has handled something I celebrate it.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>This is different than reward charts although those can work, too. I just think we need to be cautious about relying on them too much because they can lose their effectiveness. I\u2019m not against them \u2014 extrinsic motivation can lead to intrinsic motivation \u2014 but they can\u2019t do the work for us.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>My thinking is that once you have a child holding your hand instead of being carried around a scary dog, you might have buy in for a more explicit plan with a whole exposure hierarchy and stair step rewards but it really doesn\u2019t have to be this formal.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>If you are interested in figuring out a plan with clear steps and what to do when, I encourage you to check out the&nbsp;<a href=\"http:\/\/ChildAnxietySupport.com\" target=\"_blank\" data-wpel-link=\"external\" rel=\"nofollow external noopener noreferrer\">Child Anxiety Support program<\/a>&nbsp;since this is what we do inside the membership.<\/p><p><br><\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How do I motivate my anxious child? 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