{"id":3699,"date":"2022-11-09T01:22:00","date_gmt":"2022-11-09T01:22:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/?p=3699"},"modified":"2022-11-08T15:26:33","modified_gmt":"2022-11-08T15:26:33","slug":"why-isnt-therapy-working-for-my-anxious-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/why-isnt-therapy-working-for-my-anxious-child\/","title":{"rendered":"Why isn&#8217;t therapy working for my anxious child?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"3699\" class=\"elementor elementor-3699\" data-elementor-post-type=\"post\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<section data-exad-particle-enable=\"false\" class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-ec6fc1f elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default exad-parallax-effect-no exad-background-color-change-no exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"ec6fc1f\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-3670698 exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"3670698\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-7a3c240 exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no exad-glass-effect-no elementor-widget elementor-widget-html\" data-id=\"7a3c240\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"html.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<iframe title=\"Embed Player\" style=\"border: none;\" data-src=\"https:\/\/play.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/24942213\/height\/192\/theme\/modern\/size\/large\/thumbnail\/yes\/custom-color\/495867\/time-start\/00:00:00\/playlist-height\/200\/direction\/backward\" height=\"192\" width=\"100%\" scrolling=\"no\" allowfullscreen=\"\" webkitallowfullscreen=\"true\" mozallowfullscreen=\"true\" oallowfullscreen=\"true\" msallowfullscreen=\"true\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAAAAACH5BAEKAAEALAAAAAABAAEAAAICTAEAOw==\" class=\"lazyload\" data-load-mode=\"1\"><\/iframe>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<section data-exad-particle-enable=\"false\" class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-7bb1047d elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default exad-parallax-effect-no exad-background-color-change-no exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"7bb1047d\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-2b56d21f exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"2b56d21f\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-6a5df65e exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no exad-glass-effect-no elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"6a5df65e\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-style: inherit; color: var( --e-global-color-text ); font-family: var( --e-global-typography-text-font-family ), Sans-serif;\">This is such a useful question and I\u2019m really glad that a listener submitted it. Now the poster didn\u2019t say what they meant by \u201cworking\u201d so I\u2019m going to assume that their anxious child is still anxious even though they\u2019re in therapy and that\u2019s how I\u2019m going to answer it. So. Why isn\u2019t the therapy working? Why is your child still anxious?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>There could be several reasons. Let\u2019s walk through them.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>First of all, it may be the wrong therapist for your child. The greatest predictor of therapeutic success, meaning the client makes progress towards their goals, is a good fit therapist and that means different things for different people. Same goes for kids. Think about all the teachers you had growing up. I\u2019m sure you liked some of them more than others. Just being a teacher doesn\u2019t make you the best teacher for every student. My very most favorite teacher, Mrs. Schwartz, made my third grade an absolute dream. Then when my little brother got her, his third grade didn\u2019t go as well. She just wasn\u2019t the same personality fit for him that she was for me.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re not sure if the therapist is a good fit, ask your child and ask the therapist. How do they think things are going? Is the child participating? Are they sharing in session? Does the therapist feel like they have a handle on what\u2019s going on?\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>A wrong therapy fit may also be that the therapist doesn\u2019t see things in the same way that the family does \u2014 whether that\u2019s the parent or the child. Let\u2019s pretend a therapist is working with the Ingall\u2019s family, you know from\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Little_House_on_the_Prairie\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow external noreferrer\" data-wpel-link=\"external\">Little House on the Prairie<\/a>.\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Carrie_Ingalls\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow external noreferrer\" data-wpel-link=\"external\">Carrie<\/a>\u00a0was always kind of nervous in those books, right? So maybe the family brings Carrie to therapy and the therapist says, \u201cYour family needs to quit moving around all of the time. This constant traveling around the country is a covered wagon is too disruptive for a child like Carrie.\u201d And the family\u2019s like, \u201cHey, listen, that\u2019s how we do things. Telling us to just stop isn\u2019t helpful or realistic.\u201d See, that might be a poor fit. They might do better with a therapist who\u2019s like, \u201cYeah, my dad moved us a lot, too, I get it. I know how it is. I can totally address this with Carrie in session.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>It may be that therapy isn\u2019t working because the therapist has a different conceptualization of what\u2019s going on. So make sure you know what the treatment plan is \u2014 what are the goals? Maybe your child isn\u2019t reaching them because you and the therapist have totally different ideas about what should be happening next. Maybe you\u2019re hoping they deal with your child\u2019s sleep problems and they\u2019re working on test anxiety. Keep those lines of communication open so that\u00a0 you\u2019re sharing and collaborating.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Sometimes, especially with younger children, the therapist isn\u2019t offering developmentally appropriate interventions. Working with kids is a specialized skill that requires specialized training. I remember talking to one family who took their kindergartener to someone who said they worked with younger kids but had no toys in their office other than an antique tin ferris wheel that the child wasn\u2019t allowed to touch. The younger the child is, the more therapy should be play-focused.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Another reason that your child\u2019s therapy may not be working is because your child isn\u2019t interesting in changing. Now there are ways to work on motivating an unmotivated child or teen for sure but ultimately we cannot force ANYONE to behave differently if they don\u2019t want to. Some children resent being in therapy and won\u2019t participate. Some children will perform well in therapy \u2014 doing what the therapist asks, answering questions \u2014 but it\u2019s all surface-level and the child is unwilling or unable to bring that work out into the real world.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Lots of times kids are coming to therapy not because they want to be there but because their parents have decided they need to be there. Or the child is willing to come but that doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019re ready to really participate. The anxious child might not be interested in learning new skills or facing their fears. They might not care whether or not their parents stop nagging because their fear is greater than their discomfort with their parents\u2019 reactions.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ll tell you that my bias is not to send kids to therapy against their will. Especially if they\u2019re anxious children. That\u2019s because therapy is likely to be something they will want or need later on in their life and I think it\u2019s important that they have a good feeling about it. I have a strong pro-therapy bias, obviously, and I don\u2019t think anyone especially kids should be coerced into going because it\u2019s likely to give them a bad feeling about counseling and make it more difficult for them to reach out when they\u2019re ready.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Another reason therapy might not be working is that the parent isn\u2019t doing their part in creating change. I\u2019m not blaming the parent here. Sometimes this is because they don\u2019t even know they\u2019re supposed to be doing anything. If the therapist isn\u2019t sharing that with them, how would they?\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Even if an anxious child is in therapy, if their environment isn\u2019t shifting to supporting instead of accommodating their anxiety, then the anxiety will continue. And even if the child is making progress in session if they aren\u2019t getting the opportunity to practice coping, to confront their anxiety, and deal with their discomfort then the progress will only exist in session.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>In my own clinical practice a frequent challenge would be that I would work with a child on an anti-anxiety plan that was clear, that the child agreed to, and was committed to, and was ready to implement and then they would take that plan home with the parent and the parent would unintentionally undermine it. The child would be ready to do the difficult thing \u2014 whether that was to confront the challenge at school or socially \u2014 and the parent in an effort to be helpful would undo that child\u2019s hard work and preparation by questioning them or reassuring them or interrupting the process.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>This could look like a child about to step on stage and the parent says, \u201cAre you sure you\u2019re ready?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Or the child is trying to sleep alone and becomes tearful and the parent says, \u201cDo you just want to try tomorrow?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Basically the child may be doing the prep work but still needs their parent to hold the boundaries and to remind them of their skills.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>No matter how often I was telling the parent they needed to do this part, for some parents it was just really hard. They needed more direction and more encouragement which is why ultimately I shifted to working directly with parents. As I dug into the research, it became clear that the real key to change for anxious children and teens is their parents. If the parents can do their part, then the children \u2014 even without therapy \u2014 are able to do theirs.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>I personally think an ideal situation is the anxious child would be in therapy with a good fit therapist and the child\u2019s parents would be working in or with a\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" data-wpel-link=\"internal\">program like mine<\/a>. That one-two punch is the best bet to learning to deal with child anxiety. If a therapist isn\u2019t available for the child \u2014 and I know there\u2019s a shortage right now \u2014 or the child is unwilling to go, that doesn\u2019t have to stop the parents from doing their own learning and shifting the way they deal with anxiety in their home.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m curious, if therapy hasn\u2019t worked for your child, which of these issues do you think was contributing to that? Or was it something I didn\u2019t mention here? Feel free to let me know and reach out if you have any questions or thoughts.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We discuss the reasons why counseling may not be working for child anxiety.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3700,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/why-isnt-therapy-working-for-my-anxious-child.png","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pdNXfO-XF","publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2024-05-08 11:52:16","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3699"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3699"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3699\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3700"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3699"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3699"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3699"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}