{"id":3605,"date":"2022-10-05T08:43:00","date_gmt":"2022-10-05T08:43:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/?p=3605"},"modified":"2022-09-21T16:47:40","modified_gmt":"2022-09-21T16:47:40","slug":"is-it-better-to-make-my-anxious-child-sleep-on-their-own","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/is-it-better-to-make-my-anxious-child-sleep-on-their-own\/","title":{"rendered":"Is it better to make my anxious child sleep on their own?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"3605\" class=\"elementor elementor-3605\" data-elementor-post-type=\"post\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<section data-exad-particle-enable=\"false\" class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-f739dd2 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default exad-parallax-effect-no exad-background-color-change-no exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"f739dd2\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-227e618 exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"227e618\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-5013f00 exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no exad-glass-effect-no elementor-widget elementor-widget-html\" data-id=\"5013f00\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"html.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<iframe title=\"Embed Player\" style=\"border: none;\" data-src=\"https:\/\/play.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/24447651\/height\/192\/theme\/modern\/size\/large\/thumbnail\/yes\/custom-color\/495867\/time-start\/00:00:00\/playlist-height\/200\/direction\/backward\" height=\"192\" width=\"100%\" scrolling=\"no\" allowfullscreen=\"\" webkitallowfullscreen=\"true\" mozallowfullscreen=\"true\" oallowfullscreen=\"true\" msallowfullscreen=\"true\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAAAAACH5BAEKAAEALAAAAAABAAEAAAICTAEAOw==\" class=\"lazyload\" data-load-mode=\"1\"><\/iframe>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<section data-exad-particle-enable=\"false\" class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-20a4fbef elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default exad-parallax-effect-no exad-background-color-change-no exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"20a4fbef\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-3a5ef8c3 exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"3a5ef8c3\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-36492e56 exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no exad-glass-effect-no elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"36492e56\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/does-co-sleeping-make-separation-anxiety-worse\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" data-wpel-link=\"internal\">Last week<\/a> we talked about whether or not co-sleeping causes <a href=\"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/how-do-i-help-a-child-with-separation-anxiety-go-to-sleep\/\" data-type=\"post\" data-id=\"3333\" data-wpel-link=\"internal\">separation anxiety<\/a> and concluded that no, it&#8217;s more complicated than that and this week&#8217;s question is related so I scheduled them right next to each other. This one is: Is it better to make my anxious child sleep on their own? Let\u2019s go through the whole question with some details disguised to protect the confidentiality of the family. This family has an older child \u2014 older elementary \u2014 who wants to sleep with heir parents because when they sleep alone, they wake up afraid and come in. The parents find this disruptive for everyone\u2019s sleep but also want to be supportive. They want to know, is it better to ask their child to sleep on their own even when they\u2019re scared? Or is it better to give in and let them climb into bed with their parents.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>As I said last week, this is a super common question so it\u2019s no surprise it came up from two different families in the audience so close together.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s get away from \u201cbetter\u201d as an adjective because it implies a \u201cworse.\u201d Instead let\u2019s ask, \u201cWhich is more effective in supporting my child in their anxiety.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Now you might remember last week I said that if a family is happy co-sleeping, then great. Go for it. But this family is not and I totally understand. It\u2019s ok to want to sleep by yourself. Will you be doing your child damage if you insist on it? Even if they\u2019re scared? No.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Let me explain more about that.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Sometimes parents share their concern that asking their child to face their fears will be traumatizing. So let\u2019s talk about it.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>First let\u2019s consider the context of the parent-child relationship. Is this a relationship where the child is getting their basic physical and emotional needs met? Like are you supplying food, clothing, shelter, and basic emotional support? Is this relationship a safe place for your child to share their feelings? Is it safe for them to be less than perfect? Is there unconditional positive regard \u2014 a general love, respect, and acceptance for the child themselves? And note, this does not mean blanket approval for their behavior or every little thing they do, it means for themselves, who they are. So it\u2019s perfectly ok to grouch about them leaving their dirty dishes in the sink. And it\u2019s ok to not want them to climb into bed with you.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Rejecting behaviors is not the same thing as rejecting them.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>In a generally loving, respectful relationship where children are generally getting their needs met there is not just room to demand more of them \u2014 like that they learn to sleep alone \u2014 it\u2019s also necessary.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>It is not traumatizing to be reminded that children are separate from their parents. They are meant to grow and to outgrow us. If they rely on us too much \u2014 beyond what is developmentally appropriate \u2014 that is more likely to be damage them than if we push. Gently but firmly pushing our kids is part of parenting. It\u2019s a tricky balance. We want to push enough that the reluctant growers learn to grow but not so much that we push them beyond that which they are capable. And that\u2019s where parents of anxious kids get stuck. But I want you to lean on that loving, respectful relationship. When they\u2019re toddlers we stop them from running into the street even if they really want to, even if it makes them really mad. Right? We protect them and ask them to learn the rules by reminding them and they grow. They grow and learn the rules and learn not to run into the street and they might hate us in the moment but they don\u2019t hate us. It doesn\u2019t hurt the relationship.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Likewise, an anxious child who wants to co-sleep isn\u2019t going to like it if their parents say no. But that doesn\u2019t mean the parents should automatically say yes. Instead the parents can set those boundaries. When we say no to the anxious child, we are saying, \u201cI believe you have the capacity to handle this. I believe you have the capacity to grow through it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Now some kids need more support. They need us to help them make a plan. This is what the child Anxiety Support program is all about. It\u2019s about making that plan \u2014 with all the information and research we have about anxiety, with all the lessons I offer to better understand your child \u2014 and then executing that plan. With lots of help and opportunities to share anti-anxiety skills with your child. So. Jus know that if you\u2019re struggling with that whole making a plan thing.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Back to trusting your relationship with your child<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>What we know is that connection mitigates trauma. This is something Bruce Perry teaches about in his neurosequential model. I\u2019m going to simplify it by a lot with this example. Imagine you have two young children who both lost their homes in a fire. One child has been in and out of foster care, does not have a strong relationship with a caregiver and the other child is in a home with a loving, supportive and consistent good enough caregiver. We know that the child without strong relationships is going to struggle more with the trauma of the fire than the child who does have those safe, consistent caregivers. That\u2019s because we are built to withstand trauma in the context of appropriate community. It doesn\u2019t mean we won\u2019t have trauma \u2014 it doesn\u2019t mean that losing your house in a fire won\u2019t bother you \u2014 but it means that this child will have greater capacity to heal.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Your child \u2014 in that generally loving, respectful relationship \u2014 can handle hard things like facing their anxiety. It doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019ll like it. It doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019ll be thrilled when you push them but it does mean that with a developmentally appropriate clear plan, strong supports, and realistic expectations they can indeed handle it.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>When we don\u2019t make a plan. When we continue to let their anxiety guide the family decision making, we are far more likely to be causing harm because what we\u2019re doing is telling them that they\u2019re right. They can\u2019t handle it. They aren\u2019t strong enough. It is too dangerous.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Now this doesn\u2019t mean just kicking them out of the bedroom and telling them they\u2019re on their own. Remember, I\u2019m talking about making a plan. The plan says, I know it\u2019ll be tough but you can handle it. Here\u2019s what you can do instead. The plan says, You are strong enough. Here are some of the skills you can draw on. The plan says, you are safe and protected.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Again, if you\u2019re having a hard time creating and sticking with a plan, that\u2019s what <a href=\"http:\/\/ChildAnxietySupport.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener nofollow external\" data-type=\"URL\" data-id=\"http:\/\/ChildAnxietySupport.com\" data-wpel-link=\"external\">my membership<\/a> is all about.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If a family is happy co-sleeping, then great. But it\u2019s ok to want to sleep by yourself. Will you be doing your child damage if you insist on it? Even if they\u2019re scared? No. Let me explain more about that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3606,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/Is-it-better-to-make-my-anxious-child-sleep-on-their-own.jpg","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pdNXfO-W9","publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2024-05-08 11:48:48","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3605"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3605"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3605\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3606"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3605"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3605"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3605"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}