{"id":3550,"date":"2022-08-31T08:41:00","date_gmt":"2022-08-31T08:41:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/?p=3550"},"modified":"2022-08-30T18:46:27","modified_gmt":"2022-08-30T18:46:27","slug":"why-is-that-parents-get-blamed-for-their-childs-anxiety","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/why-is-that-parents-get-blamed-for-their-childs-anxiety\/","title":{"rendered":"Why is that parents get blamed for their child’s anxiety?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Well, frankly I think parents get blamed for everything when it comes to their kids. It\u2019s not just anxiety it\u2019s everything else. Parents get blamed for their kids who tantrum, or their kids who whine, or their kids who struggle in school, or their kids who struggle in life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parents just get blamed period.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s tricky because our parenting does have a big impact on our children and our choices do shape who they are \u2014 I mean, I think it\u2019s a lot of nature but that nature is shaped by the nurture. Basically I believe we are born with personalities and tendencies and preferences and strengths and those things are impacted by our environment, including our parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That makes us awfully powerful but that doesn\u2019t mean that there isn\u2019t a lot that\u2019s out of our control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think it\u2019s important, too, to recognize the two-way street of parenting. We do shape our kids but they shape us as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s a lot of research about this but the information hasn\u2019t really drifted down to commonsense understanding of the reality of parenting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some children are more difficult, more sensitive, more reactive than others and we have kids like that, we learn to handle them more gently, which can look like enabling them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, lots of us rock our babies to sleep for a long time. Some babies grow out of it, some babies don\u2019t. And some of us get trapped into remaining part of our child\u2019s sleep routine \u2014 like laying down with them or staying in the room with them \u2014 until they\u2019re ten or even older. If you talk to somebody about that, they might say it\u2019s your fault for always staying with them. That you shouldn\u2019t have started that so-called bad habit of laying down with them. But if you\u2019ve got a toddler or a preschooler who desperately needs sleep and who falls apart if you\u2019re not with them then of course you\u2019re going to stay with them. It works until it doesn\u2019t.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not the parents fault that there is now a 10-year old who can\u2019t sleep alone. I think we have to stop thinking about blame and fault and instead say, \u201cIs that still working?\u201d Does the parent still want to lay down with them? Is it preventing the 10-year old from gaining some new skills that they\u2019re going to need? Are they missing out on slumber parties? Is the parent missing out on adult time?\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Basically it worked and now it doesn\u2019t. It\u2019s not helpful to say, \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t have done it in the first place\u201d because that\u2019s not even true. You do what works until it doesn\u2019t and then you do something different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s why I say it\u2019s not your fault but it is your responsibility. As parents, when we need or want change, we will have to upend our routines in order to create change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not our fault if a ten year old still can\u2019t sleep alone but we will need to take action if our child is stuck and we or they are suffering for it.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know parents feel guilty when they realize that they are responsible for changing things up because they look back and say, \u201cI should have done it differently.\u201d But that\u2019s not helpful. You did it that way \u2014 whatever way it was \u2014 because it worked or else you thought it would work. I mean, it made sense for you to do it that way. Now it doesn\u2019t make sense. So now you get to reassess and do things differently. That\u2019s all. No blame. It\u2019s not your fault but it is your responsibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are lots of things like that. Maybe we used to play tennis but now our knees hurt so we start taking swimming instead. Tennis was great until it wasn\u2019t. It\u2019s not our fault we have bad knees and it wasn\u2019t a bad idea to play tennis. It was a good idea until swimming became a better idea. You wouldn\u2019t beat yourself up for playing tennis? Or at least I hope you wouldn\u2019t. So I hope you can find a way to not beat yourself up if you realize your parenting needs to change, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When it comes to anxiety it\u2019s super easy to get stuck in patterns and routines that make things worse. Remember 94 to 99% of all parents with anxious kids and teens get stuck, which means you are NOT alone. But you have the opportunity to learn from these stats, to learn from the research and figure out what you\u2019re going to do to change things up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we know better we get the opportunity to DO better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And if we know better and choose NOT to do better? Well, then we need to take a long hard look at what\u2019s stopping us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my work with parents I can say that the common barriers to upending anxious patterns are:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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  • Lack of information, parents don\u2019t know what to do or how to do it even if they know that something has to change;<\/li>\n
  • Lack of support, all that blame they get isn\u2019t helpful and is often hurtful;<\/li>\n
  • Their child\u2019s behavior, which tends to get worse when parents try to shift things up.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n

    What happens is the family continues to struggle, everyone and their brother has advice to give, which only makes things more confusing, and the parents feel worse, which makes change that much harder.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I will tell you right now, that anyone with solid training on supporting anxious kids and their families knows that you got here not because you care too little but because you care, period. You care about your kids, you\u2019re trying to do right by them, and parenting an anxious child is confusing and exhausting. It\u2019s hard to make the right decisions when those decisions aren\u2019t always clear and you\u2019re ground down by the reality of parenting an anxious child.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    But I want you to remember that you did not create your child\u2019s anxiety, that the patterns that we fall into are ones that are common and understandable, and you can do things differently when you\u2019re ready. Note I said when you\u2019re ready, which might be before your child is ready but we can plan for that, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Just because what you\u2019re doing is no longer working doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re not doing a good job. It means that you and your child are growing and your parenting needs to grow, too. That\u2019s all. No shame. No blame. Just the facts<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Short answer? Because parents get blamed for everything. Long answer? Because it’s complicated. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3551,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/Financial-Podcast.png","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pdNXfO-Vg","publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2024-05-08 11:49:16","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3550"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3550"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3550\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3551"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3550"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3550"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3550"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}