{"id":3533,"date":"2022-08-24T01:01:00","date_gmt":"2022-08-24T01:01:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/?p=3533"},"modified":"2022-08-23T19:04:02","modified_gmt":"2022-08-23T19:04:02","slug":"am-i-being-protective-or-over-protective","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/am-i-being-protective-or-over-protective\/","title":{"rendered":"Am I being protective or over protective?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"3533\" class=\"elementor elementor-3533\" data-elementor-post-type=\"post\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<section data-exad-particle-enable=\"false\" class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-359dbdef elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default exad-parallax-effect-no exad-background-color-change-no exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"359dbdef\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-148ff38f exad-glass-effect-no exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no\" data-id=\"148ff38f\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-9b3bfff exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no exad-glass-effect-no elementor-widget elementor-widget-wp-widget-custom_html\" data-id=\"9b3bfff\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"wp-widget-custom_html.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"textwidget custom-html-widget\"><\/div>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-77b1b690 exad-sticky-section-no exwb-magnet-no exad-glass-effect-no elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"77b1b690\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>This week\u2019s question came from a parent who is trying to figure out how to support their anxious child and reached out to me with a more complex and personal version of the question, \u201cam I being protective or over protective when I try to support my anxious child.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s the thing, one family\u2019s protective is another family\u2019s over protective because we can\u2019t take a particular behavior out of the context of a particular family and say, \u201cThat is always right\u201d or \u201cthat is always wrong.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Anxious children come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and developmental needs. Families, too, have different expectations and values. In one family, choosing to homeschool due to a child\u2019s anxiety is overprotection and in another family it\u2019s a great idea. So how do we know the difference for ourselves? Or at least how can we start figuring it out?&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Ok first we have to back up and remember what this whole parenting gig is all about and that\u2019s raising humans to grow up and live their own best lives, right? That\u2019s parenting in a nutshell. And we know, from just looking around us, that there are a whole lot of versions of best lives out there. So part of this parenting and growing up is figuring that out \u2014 what version? What are our children\u2019s strengths that we can play to? What are their challenges that we can help them confront and overcome or learn to work with them?&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>As they grow, we continuously reassess. Our children change, our values as a family sometimes change, and certainly circumstances can change. Any of that means we go back to the drawing board and say, \u201cIs this still working? Are we still moving forward? Is my child still making progress however that\u2019s meant to look?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Back to protections, protect should protect; not limit. Overprotections limit. Overprotections keep kids stagnant and stuck whileProtections keep them safe and encourage growth.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>A general example would be making your typically developing preschooler hold your hand when you cross the street is protection. Making your typically developing 12-year old hold your hand when you cross the street is overprotection. That\u2019s easy, right? That\u2019s very clear. We know what to expect from preschoolers and we know what to expect from 12-year olds and we understand the mechanics of crossing the street.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Things get trickier when we\u2019re talking about expectations that are more complicated or nuanced such as managing social media, or navigating romantic relationships, or figuring out how to deal with anxiety.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>In cases like that, where it feels more complicated, I encourage you to step back and ask yourself these questions:<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:list --><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>What are my goals for my child around this topic?&nbsp;<\/li>\n<li>What skills around this topic will they need when they\u2019re adults?&nbsp;<\/li>\n<li>How can I help them to begin to build those skills now in ways that are developmentally appropriate?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><!-- \/wp:list --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>If what we\u2019re doing is not building those the skills that we know they need, then it might be overprotection. Remember, protections protect but leave room for skill building and over protection limits, it doesn\u2019t find ways to give kids the opportunity to learn the skills they will need as adults.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>This is so hard when we\u2019ve got anxious kids who don\u2019t want to learn those skills. Who are perfectly happy with you managing things for them. Again, step back and think about your child as an adult. Think about what they need now to get them there, to adulthood with the skills that they need whether they like it or not.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>This doesn\u2019t mean that you let an 8-year old fend for themselves when they\u2019re scared anymore then you\u2019d let a preschooler cross a busy street without teaching them how traffic works. But it does mean that at a certain point you\u2019re going to ask them to do the things they need to do, knowing that you\u2019ve given them the support and information that will allow them to do it.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>For example, if you\u2019ve got a 12 year old who reasonably knows how to cross the street but doesn\u2019t want to, then you might insist. You might say something like, \u201cI don\u2019t have time to walk you to the ice cream shop to get you that milkshake so if you want to get a milkshake you\u2019ll need to get there on your own.\u201d And we\u2019d say that with the full confidence that we\u2019ve given them the knowledge and skills to accomplish that safely.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>They might be scared. They might insist they don\u2019t know how to do it. But a milkshake might be just the incentive they need to find out they can.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>When it comes to anxiety, we might need help drilling down to the small steps and small skills they need. We might need help understanding what\u2019s protective and what\u2019s over protective because some anxious kids are pretty dramatic. I don\u2019t mean this in a dismissive way at all. I mean that their fight, flight or freeze is so big or so consuming that it\u2019s hard for us to get perspective and know whether or not what we\u2019re asking of them is reasonable. That\u2019s all part of the planning and work of supporting and raising anxious kids.<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>If you are feeling stuck or your child is feeling stuck, know that this is part of the anxiety process. Feeling stuck just comes with the territory and usually means we need to stop and reassess what we\u2019re doing and whether or not we\u2019re off track in helping our child acquire those skills they\u2019re going to need. If you need help with that. Let me know.&nbsp;<\/p><p><br><\/p><p><br><\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It&#8217;s a simple question but not a simple answer. This week we talk about how to check in and see if we&#8217;re being appropriately protective or being over protective with our anxious kids.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3534,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[21,20,17,26,18],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/Am-I-being-protective-or-overprotective.png","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pdNXfO-UZ","publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2024-05-08 11:53:20","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3533"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3533"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3533\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3534"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3533"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3533"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/childanxietysupport.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3533"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}